May172010
And It’s Driving Me Mad, Yes It’s Cramping My Style
“If women ruled the world there would be no war, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” - Robin Williams
B and I are still dating. It’s been 4.5 months since our first date and I am crazy about him. I know 4.5 months is just a drop in the bucket of life but when you factor in that on our second date he told me he wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship I feel like it IS special. I feel like I beat the odds and my prize is this great relationship with a really awesome guy who I know is crazy about me. Lucky me, right?
Yeah….but then there is this voice in the back of my head, a voice that always seems to be louder every 28 days. This voice is overly emotional and reflective. This voice makes me think TOO much and analysis things I don’t like to think about. This voice breaks down the wall that I can keep up the other 25 days of the month- the wall that blocks the view of B and I’s relationship through realistic eyes. The eye’s that probably have my best interest at hand.
You see, I think part of the reason B and I’s relationship works is because I put no pressure on him. I ask nothing of him but to spend time together and care about each other. I don’t really know what I want out of him so it’s easy to float around in this bubble of happiness where we are still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I don’t want to get married and neither does he, I don’t want to have kids and he doesn’t want to have anymore AND most importantly we “get” each other I don’t ever feel like I am not enough…I always know he feels lucky to be with me. Some days I feel like I was made to be with him, not in some big romantic way but in the quirky down to earth, “what’s the likelihood that we would both want the same things!” kind of way. But we are starting to growing stagnant…
I’m starting to get this slow ache in my bones for more. It’s creeping up on me and I’m trying to fight it off. It’s weird to be upset for missing out on something that you don’t even know what it is..but I am. I find myself crying, sometimes in front of B about things that I can’t verbalize. Not because I’m afraid to but because I can’t…it’s like it’s physically impossible. I catch myself not looking at him directly in the eyes because he can read me like a book and I don’t want him to know what I’m thinking. I’m alway apologizing for taking things too personally when I know he doesn’t care that I take things personally and really what is it if not personal? Our relationship is the definition of personal so why am I apologizing for it?
Ugh, I’m rambling. What is important here is I’m lost. I’m totally and utterly lost. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to break up with him but I also don’t want to continue to torture myself with ideas of our relationship growing into more when he has told me (more than once) that it probably never will. But when he says that I always look back at that second date and think, “Well if I was special enough to break that rule I’ll be damned if I can’t break this one too!”
But then what is our future? Something I had to fight my way into and I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the day when I finally do find the words to verbalize what I’ve been thinking for so long and it blows up in my face. What happens when I finally do apply a little pressure to our relationship, when I tell him we do need to take the next step. I fear that he’s going to tell me he isn’t ready, and then I’m going to wish I had never said anything because after knowing that I can’t just stay with him. No self respecting woman would do that.
So I just keep coasting along waiting for some magical switch to flip and for B to see that he would be crazy to let me go…or for him to get the same ache in his bones for more. For him to want more of me like I want more of him. I just fear that will never happen.
